Now, don’t get stressed out: This isn’t an I.Q. test or anything, but take a second to look at the shapes below. Which one seems, how shall we say this, more streamlined?

The blue one on the right, right? That’s what I think too. Today, this elementary school exercise came to mind as I walked by a major retailer (who shall not be named) whose store windows were filled with dozens of these knee-length skirts:

Now, to the untrained shopper’s eye, these breezy pieces may seem a comfy summer classic, but to a savvy sartorialist, they scream UNFLATTERING. Tapering at the waist and breathing out at the calf, the skirt emphasizes the widest part of the lower leg: the hard-to-miss calf. Even with a sleek top, this leg-heavy silhouette makes the wearer seem short and stumpy, adjectives few find appealing.

To avoid such wardrobe pitfalls, try this simple styling trick: To figure out if a potential purchase will be flattering or not, try to zone in on the silhouette by thinking of every garment as a square, rectangle, diamond, or circle. (This I learned from a fantastic ballet teacher who instructed her students to think of their bodies as wooden blocks, and to think of every ballet pose as aligning the blocks in a particular composition. The concept works just as well when applied to body parts and wardrobe pieces.)

Here, an example of some of the most slimming warm-weather silhouettes:

*Snaps= 4 silhouette examples from Victoria’s Secret

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Admit it: We’ve all been guilty of it from time to time—even high profile celebrities have committed style crimes. To make sure you’re not on anyone’s worst-dressed list, brush up on the top 5 fashion faux pas—and find out what you should wear instead.

Fashion Faux-Pas #1: Excessive Accessorizing

Wearing sparkling shoes, shiny wrap, bag, headband, and an armful of bangles, Paris Hilton OD’s on accessories.

The Fix: Unless you’re going for the young-Hollywood, super-accessorized look, abide by the rule of three when it comes to accessorizing. Pick any three accents—a headband, necklace, watch, earrings, glittery heels or scarf—for every outfit. Wearing any more than a few accessories at a time can look messy and distracting, and keeping baubles to a minimum prevents the shopping stress of having to find pieces that look harmonious together.

Mayle Bag, Joie Flat sandal, Shopbop scarf

Fashion Faux-Pas #2: Over-Dosing on Animal Prints

Bai-Ling shows off her adventurous side in a wild zebra caftan gown.

The Fix: With the safari trend in full swing for spring, wild animal prints are looking pretty appealing. To avoid looking like you belong in a zoo, skip the head-to-toe looks in favor of a few bold accessories. Remember, when it comes to zebra stripes and leopard spots, less is more—more fashionable that is.

Nordstrom bangles, Manolo Blahnik heels

Fashion Faux-Pas #3: Mis-Matching Heels & Hemlines

Pairing short-shorts and super-high heels, Jenna Jameson commits a fashion felony.

The Fix: Figuring out which shoe and skirt or dress combo looks the best is a science—one that’s all about making the legs look good. As a general rule, hemlines above the knee work best with flats—think of all those cute ‘60s styles. Skirts or dresses that hit right at the knee can be paired with slight heels, while high heels look best with styles that hit just below the knee hemlines. When wearing something super long, unless it’s an evening gown, stick to fuss-free flat sandals.

From left to right: Wayf skirt, Miu Miu heels, Swell dress, Loeffler Randall Target flats, Tibi long dress, Juicy Couture flats.

Fashion Faux-Pas #4: Too-Trendy Jeans

While uber-trendy, Kim Kardashian’s wide-leg high-waist jeans seem to swim on her petite pear-shaped frame.

The Fix: Denim trends fluctuate every six months or so, but that doesn’t mean that you should test-drive every new style that resurfaces. To avoid bold wardrobe experiments back-firing, stick to silhouettes that flatter your figure as well as straight-leg dark-wash versions that will never go out of style.

Jeans: Gap & Citizens of Humanity

Fashion Faux-Pas #5: Too Many Textures

Juliette Lewis gets lost behind her many layers.

The Fix: Tempting as designers’ slick, sequined, or lush knit pieces may be, pulling off today’s trendy mix and match look is all about practicing restraint. Keep things simple by sticking to two textures, with an emphasis on classic combinations like hard (denim) and soft (knits) or sleek (patent) and stiff (starched cotton).

Vince Patent Coat, Banana Republic Cotton Dress

Victoria’s Secret Denim coat, JCrew Cashmere dress

*Celeb snaps = Splashnews 

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Unfortunately I didn’t get to swing by the Peroni/Vogue 50 Years of Italian Style Party last night. Piles of work then equally impressive amounts of food at Freeman’s took precedent, but apparently this is the kind of sartorial splendor that I missed:

America’s Next Top Model’s André J.

Very Arden Wohl-Meets-Tom Ford-on-Holiday-in-St.Barts, no?

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Blame it on winter’s cool temperatures or the press coverage that New York girl-about-town Arden Wohl has received lately, but headscarves are having a moment. The tete trend peaked last year, thanks to Prada’s silk headbands and the Olsen twins, then slowly and fortunately faded out. Until now that is. Much like tights are not pants, the scarf is an inadequate substitution for a hat–as demonstrated by Amy Winehouse and Victoria Beckham. With so many great Eugenia Kim, Philip Treacy, etc creations out there, it seems a shame to opt for a simply unflattering tress wrap. So support fashion’s milliner force-and good taste–by skipping the scarves and try a legit topper instead.

Arden Wohl

Amy Winehouse

The Spice Girls in Milan at Roberto Cavalli’s Men’s show 

*Images: Splash (top 2), Wire 

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Cigarettes have long been a staple in the fashion world, even before Yves Saint Laurent unveiled his Le Smoking suit. Today, despite high-profile reformers like Christy Turlington, baby-looking models can still be found lighting up backstage while more than a few well-shod party-hoppers list a pack “here or there” among their remaining vices. So it should come as no surprise that even with the smoking bans sweeping Europe, designer cigarettes still have an audience.

YSL Cigarettes

Cartier Cigarettes

Through careful web-combing and voyages to Russia and the Ukraine, YSL smokes can be found as can Cartier cartons; both remnants of bygone license-crazy eras. Meanwhile, the cancer sticks found in ‘70s-looking Vogue brand boxes are, as one might expect, far thinner than all their peers.

Vogue Cigarettes

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As seen this week: Julia Roberts at the L.A. Charlie Wilson’s War premiere, Kylie Minogue at Olso’s Nobel Peace Prize concert

*Wireimage 

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By now I’m sure you’re well aware of my opinion on leggings as pants, which has always been, and continues to be, a very solid Nay. The whole Oops-I-forgot-to-wear-trousers! look flatters about .0004% of the population. If you are in that miniscule subset, you should definitely stop wearing them because flaunting your membership card to the cool kids club is just so ’02.

Anyway, as was recently pointed out to me, apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way. A few of my fellow haters have founded the genius website Tightsarenotpants.com which outlines—with hilariously exquisite precision— the many cons associated with the style. Even better though, are the postcard-ready PDFs you can download to help spread the word about this important anti-tights movement. Do your part and check it out.

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The Venda-Dress: Before and After Zip-Out

You can find anything and everything in the world’s ever-expanding marketplace, including shants, furseys, and as I’ve recently been informed, dresses that convert into vending machines. The dress in question serves as a shield of sorts; the wearer zips into the trompe l’oeil tube if and when she’s being pursued by over-admirers or “would-be assailants.”

Yup, that’s right.

This sartorial novelty was pointed out to me today by a design-savvy GlamChic reader. They found this link on the insightful Design Observer and thought it might appeal to the fashionable masses that flock to this little blog. (I’ll pass along what I can only assume will be your whole-hearted thanks to said reader.) Halloween is just around the corner, so here’s hoping this post comes in handy during your costume brainstorming sessions.

More Things To Think About:

Fashion Tattoos

Comfort Food Clothing (Not as Gross as it Sounds)

Fashion’s Google Wars

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Alexander McQueen Spring 2008

You know those Runway to Reality-type stories that pop up from time to time in your favorite glossy magazine? I like the concept in theory (mainly because it’s bullet-proof against arguments. I mean where else are we wearing clothes but in reality? I don’t know about you, but a twirl on the runway isn’t a part of my daily routine) but, let’s face it, not every catwalk style can translate into the Average Jane’s wardrobe.

Take lace leggings for example. A daintier version of the date opaque leggings and seemingly far more wearable than the afore-mentioned shants, lace leggings seemed like a good idea when spotted on Alexander McQueen’s spring runway. But when worn in the real girl way—ie layered under a casual cardigan and tee a la Hilary Duff—the gam covering turns its wearer into an angsty, style-impaired teenager. To be fair, that’s exactly the role the Duffster is seen playing in this snapshot:

Hilary Duff films “Greta” in New Jersey

The lesson learned here is three-fold: 1) Don’t believe everything you read in magazines even when it seems like practical advice. 2) Don’t wear leggings. Of any kind. Please. 3) I can’t think of a third one right now: I’m too busy looking for more celebrity fashion foibles for us to learn from. Stay tuned.

*Getty Image/Splash News

Technorati Tags: Celebrity Photos, Alexander McQueen, Hilary Duff, Shants

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